Chapter V

    I earned my living in all kinds of ways. On the whole, it is possible to say that the poverty found a permanent abode in our house. I should not make my livelihood "in a normal way" any longer, namely as a journeyman. My life course took an entirely different turn. There was no thinking of finding a new job, so I had to earn money in another way, which should, however, mean no relief for me. The baker’s craft together with its hard and physically exhausting work would have given my daily bread more easily, even though the mysticism interfered with my life. The truth was that mysticism exhausted me immensely, as I was preparing myself for the transmission of the Teaching.

    So I started to "chase after money" in quite a different manner as [I had done it] hitherto and mysticism burdened me incomparably more than before.

    I commenced to pursue astrology. It seemed to me – and it was proved to me by the scripts of the Tibetan doctrine system some years later – that astrology has the closest affinity with mysticism. After all, I had a bearing on stars. It was as early as in my 12 years of age, as I worked at the farmer’s harvesting beet, that I met a man who turned my attention into that direction. He was a spiritist. That was what I heard of him and, judging by the contempt of other people for him, he was something like incarnated awe for me.

    I used to watch him. He was a bailiff by name and by post, but he worked in the field with the other people. From time to time he interrupted working, leant on the rake or some other farming tool and slept for a while. Then he woke up again and, confused, he was taking up the work again. The spiritists are allegedly like this, I learned.

    However, he was a plain man and did not understand that he faced a boy who felt like a scum of the human society even before the poorest and the most wretched people. He was narrating me about stars, that they should be worlds like ours, and those people from our group who heard him saying it knew he was crazy. But he was a bailiff after all, and so they said nothing to his face.

    His talks impressed me so much that I wondered what all there is in the world. My head was, however, shut on hundreds of locks. The only thing I knew existed was poverty. Also endless suffering, hunger and hatred that I felt even from my mother who was under the influence of the stepfather. I knew just that I was good enough to be kicked by them in case I should obstruct. And in my mind, I would hear the threatening remark that was permanently repeated: "He’s a lout, just eats a lot, he is strong enough to go somewhere to enter a farmer’s employ.

    Oh bailiff, this is not the suitable field for a theory about stars and for speculations whether they are inhabited or not. If I had not lived on delightful visions of dancing water nymphs and angry water sprites, if my mind had not been attacked by flashbacks that I had lived earlier than I was born, in a far, far better world, I would have felt myself worthy of nothing but being run over by a steamroller again and again, so many times that not a grease spot would have remained of me.

    Anyway, those things in the aggregate put the elements of my the being together in such a complex, that…

    I was walking on Venus towards her south pole. Plains were white as if covered with snow. Those were high latitudes from the equator, which I could tell by the terrain descending in relation to my orientation on the planet. The equator of the planet was in the vertical position to the solid base that I could sense somewhere down under the planet. All of a sudden, I saw a jewel. Splendid, glinting, big one. I picked it up thinking: I’ll take it with me back to Earth.

    Venus disappeared; I realized I was getting closer to Earth, to my sleeping body. I was already at my body and had time for a thought: I’ll hide the gem under the pillow so that I may remember where I have put it, and when I wake up I’ll take it out. Then, immediately, I felt myself being in my body again and woke up. Turning myself with lightning speed I grabbed under the pillow for the precious stone. I will have a beautiful jewel, I said to myself.

    What came was a great disappointment. --- What could possibly make me happy in this world of dark was gone. Why are there such dreams that deepen the already quite insurmountable gap between the reality and other happier worlds? And so I was put just a deeper stamp of a horrible depression that seemed to be everlasting and insoluble in the future…

    Later, some time prior to the realisation I extricated myself from the animal heat. I gained the possibility to move across the infinite cosmic space in the same way people can walk pavements in the town. I could feel the gravitation forces there the way no mortal can experience. And after I had come back to earth after the realisation, I knew: This is an influence of Mars, that one of Jupiter, that of the Sun, Moon. Saturn was examined by me so that I projected myself there the same way the people who are always longing for experiences release themselves from their bodies to become nasty "magicians", "mystics" and "spiritists".

    Being on Saturn, in semidarkness, I saw creatures that were more of a ghostly than of a physical sort and whose emotional life I found extremely harmonious. From that experience I inferred: Such is the influence of Saturn as of the planet. And Mercury I examined very quickly in a psychometric way. That is how I got to know astrology in rough outline.

    St. can perhaps still remember the moment as I warned him, "Watch out! Mars is turning its arrow", and he cut himself at that very instant. By the way, he was fascinated by that, too, which made him also apply for an initiation.

    Then, because I took a personal interest in astrology, I ordered ephemerids from England to get informed about the influences of the stars depending on their position on the firmament. And later, that knowledge came in useful; it helped me protect my family and myself from hunger.

    But before I reached the use of astrology for the purpose of earning my living, I had found in one year of the Raphael’s ephemerids a trigonometric formula for calculating houses and in some other German ephemerids polar elevations of the "inner houses". At that time, however, I did not have an idea that I could possibly buy the tables for my personal use. So I was thinking about that formula and about polar elevations and something seemed to me incorrect about it. I was examining further and deeper, going into spherical trigonometry that was with respect to my school education so distant like the physical Saturn was far from my physical body. But I had an idea and derived a new formula for the so-called inner houses. I got myself the tables of goniometric functions, and as I worked at the post where the boss carried out his trade on my trade licence, I worked out during my usual work the tables of houses for 48o - 51o latitude north. I did not calculate them for an instant use, but in order for me to get trained a bit in mathematics and to know trigonometry.

    A certain student of secondary school came to the workshop and caught sight of heaps of papers full of numbers lying on the worktable. He asked about what the "master" was doing. As he learned that I calculated some tables with a help of logarithms, he claimed with astonishment he would not have been able to do so.

    As late as in about 1950, I came across some books on astrology and learned that it was the Placidus’ system that caused doubts in me, and thus, without having known anything about it, I worked out the tables by the Regiomontanus.

    As I began to make my living by astrology, those tables came in handy to me. But to cast a horoscope? People do not know the precise time of their births and I "lucubrated" the interpretations of what I learned with a lot of difficulties just on the basis of the nativity. In some cases, nothing of what I would have written seemed to be suitable for the character survey, as I compared the expectation of the person with the evaluation birth chart containing the influences of constellations. In such case I summoned the person to release himself/herself from the body to come over to me, inquired him/her about some particulars of his/her character and then, on the basis of the natal chart, his/her information and my own astrological rules, I elaborated the horoscope. I would like to say here that those "rules of mine" were sometimes stood on their heads compared to the old astrological interpretations.

    But there was a question whether it was possible for me to make my living by making out horoscopes.

    A certain horoscope can be very difficult to cast and the time spent to work it out took me a week because of the lack of my school education and untrained judgement. I requested 30 Crowns for it, which I saw really as a loss-making effort. Even today that I have a profound judgement, if I should make a horoscope, I would not care to make a character-describing horoscope for less than 300 Crowns and a full one, I think, could cost 5000 Crowns. (NOTE: the book was written in the 1950’s)

    Let me get the matter clear: I do not like to mix things from different disciplines and therefore I guess the horoscope needs to be interpreted on the basis of astrological data and not by means of prophetic abilities. For that very reason I later educated myself in astrology also on the theoretical level, compared the systems of Placidus, Regiomontanus and Campanus, studied the primary and secondary directions and, consequently, wound up relying on astrology. The thing is that I know that even though astrology is correct, it, being a theoretical discipline, comprises so many data that it is impossible for a normal mind to comprehend and to arrange them in a subtle way. But this is just a casual remark.

    I maintained therefore my family and myself only with a great deal of difficulties. Something here, something there and, considering the whole situation objectively, I was not able to keep my livelihood any longer. Besides, my mystical development on the second [part of the] path, namely after the first realisation, advanced so far that I was unable even for spiritual reasons to make my living. Looking at the future under those circumstances I was just collapsing and collapsing…

    Oh my wife, son and mother, maybe I will be annihilated as a man who has been incapable of supporting you and myself and I will leave this world constantly evoking thoughts that my inner glory could not in the least contribute to saving myself from death of a starving dog. I can see very well now how people without spirit can be an example to me how bread can be won.

    But could I do it, too? – Due to the very inner word, moral scruples, exaltations of my inner being and consciousness induced by divine light, I could only try to find my food in a lump of dung somewhere on a road like a maggot making its world from it.

    And how the spiritual glory can be compared with the outer poverty, with the outer inability to earn one’s living? This question should now be put to you mystic, man who reached physical immortality and attained initiations of Demiurg, great holy Rishi, Christ and that of a child. Don’t you perhaps want to solve the problem of your poverty and to prove thereby to the worldly people where mysticism can lead? Not in the least. It seems that my situation must not be so easy. I need to be annealed in the fire of worries, horrors, deliberations plus by amalgamating incomprehensible contrasts, as a man that comes to the world only when the world celebrates a great holiday.

    Yes, my head was falling from the helplessness over that absurd situation. And being more dead from illness and worries rather than alive, I have to dig up within myself, take where you want, some more strength to get over the situation. Indeed, it seemed there would be no end to that plight… – in that case I have to fall, but I will fall only with my head held high. On the base of my inner deliberations and criteria, I was not allowed to fall prey to the Dweller of the Threshold that was already guarding me very well by thousands of people with an intention not to let me win my bread, because I did not want to give up the notion that the mystic must not always fall either there, in front of the Gate of Death, or before the eyes of people as someone who is absolutely incapable in life.

    And the Dweller of the Threshold was deriding: "Do you give orders to ghosts to avoid bothering God with your trivialities? Don’t forget that not only ghosts but all samsaric creatures, ALL OF THEM, are mine. And God? – Listen to me laughing! He is an over-samsaric being and you know well that buying bread by blending some over-samsaric and samsaric qualities is not the way allowed to you; only those people and creatures awakening already under the tender touches of the brahmic light can venture to do that; they perform that deed by virtue of their ignorance which makes them fall again and then begin a new development under the whip of much heavier distress. Huh, I know you won’t do that and so I have you in my hands. You will perish like a maggot and that is going to be your disgrace because you have been human after all."

    This is my distress, oh good Lord! And I am not even allowed to utter a sound to wish: Help! – Such thoughts were swarming in my mind at that time.

    So I was chasing after bread in the manner every spiritually dead or defenceless man does. I was going on long bicycle trips; I did not eat anything. For that reason I fell off the bike as a consequence of exhaustion and hunger past the town Hradec Kralove. That situation gave no assumption that I would recover during the rest of the way to Pardubice (CZ town), even though I bought some sausage to eat, while deliberating at the same time whether I would bring some money back home then. On my way back home when going down a big, unknown hill where I had to brake to slow the bike down, the grip segment in the brake got ground off. I did not get down the bicycle because it was too much for me to make a few steps on foot, although downhill.

    I was under the hill. It was impossible to pedal properly; it took me much pedalling to keep the bicycle in motion. And so, after many hours, more dead than alive, I arrived home.

    "See wife, I got some money."

    There was a calculating in heaven at that time:

    "It is no money, it is blood." And they were probably pushing that knowledge in form of ideas and sympathy to some of my friends.

    They concluded:

    "We have to help him."

    Oh smart alecs, how silly you are, I thought. Your decision is under the scrutiny of the Dweller of the Threshold who is nowadays very powerful in comparison with me.

    At that time, a small group of truth-searching people would visit us. The Spiritual Power, which can one bring to a realisation, was passing from one to another. So one day I praise this one, then that one, and I know in doing so: Nothing at all may come of all that. One of them is advised to avoid entering into relations with girls. And as early as in a week’s time he is announcing: "I have a girlfriend already." Those are rather poor prospects.

    At last one of them made two successive steps. I told him: "None of them will catch up with you now." There were factual reasons for that. As he was too shy to have asked a question, he was the only one to have listened and taken notes of only what was really important for the practice to do. He was not a bit interested in things like what there is on Jupiter; if that idea comes from that fortune-teller or from a cop; whether the trumpets of angels are manufactured in a factory on earth or the angels themselves have the production of that sort; if devils are multiplied by laying eggs that are then hatched out, or if they reproduce in some other way and how many young they have… And as such things were not of his concern, the result of his mystical endeavour was quite logical.

    I was observing his further progress.

    The horrible life experiences the world had offered me provided me with the power of an initiator who is able to transfer a prepared man, longing for liberation, immediately and directly. In the mentioned case I had to wait for a development that was progressing as if automatically. But yet, everything was advancing, although I was skeptical where I could not intervene.

    At last…

    It was Saturday and, as usually, we had a visit. He was among the others. He came from a walk and something had happened to him. He was about to talk about it. But I interrupted him: "Don’t talk about it."

    So, he was shattered and kept silent.

    But there was nothing to worry about. Time was on our side. The others were leaving. He wanted to go, too. Not yet! "Wait a moment," I hold him up.

    The last of the visitors was gone.

    I began to explain very rapidly: "What happened in the woods was a realisation." – Relief? – Well, I also had to smile in [spite of] my current, awful poverty. But I went on instructing: This realisation is not the best one. He knew it, after all. Some time later, he told me he had an impression as if there had been too much of what the moment had brought, but he had been very feeble himself, so he had missed a great deal of it. It was very good, for that matter, that he had observed it. There were and are other people who take such a poor experience for a seal that the very God made a bow before them.

    But the realisation was not so bad, after all. Considering his knowledge that he missed something or a lot of what happened, that realisation became a starting point for further successes in the field of mysticism. And in addition, he had a heart. He was the only one to have had the greatest understanding of my condition and situation. Therefore he came to me on behalf of the others and said:

    "We were thinking of the way to help you, but everything seems to be like enchanted. Nobody can scrape the smallest sum together to help you out with some money. What’s the problem here?"

    "The Keeper of the Threshold."

    "You know what," I added, "do it so and so and all of you who want to give me a helping hand will get so much money depending on everybody’s will to help. Be it a proof, at the same time, that it is my earnings. By the way, you’ve got already involved in an insoluble situation by your mere intention to help me. The Dweller of the Threshold would go after you from that moment. Do you understand me?"

    He did understand. Therefore he came back again announcing me that he did not know yet how things are with the others, but he said he was doing well in all respects. – And so the rescue was coming just at the moment I was thinking of leaving my family to avoid seeing the family members die of hunger. That is, however, a situation which allows to accept a help.

    But what did it lead to? To a long, endless dependence on the people who used to come to me to get advice in the mystic teaching. I am not and never was narrow-minded to fail to know that I work for someone as a tailor or a shoemaker, but at the same time I know as well that this is just another sort of work that is usually not paid. The conception of cost-free tuition of the Teaching was spreaded especially by one nasty artful dodger, mystic who he was, of course, very favourably received by all seeking people for quite obvious reasons. He alleged that the real leader is always giving the Teaching only and purely for free – if it is not the case, then he is a fake, charlatan. By that claim he strengthened that conviction among mystics so that they used it as a standard of the genuineness or non-genuineness of a mystic doctrine. At the same time, that "leader" bought a mill from the profit of mysticism, he indulged the passion of hunting and in his sixty years of age he was running after girls with bunches of flowers – from exuberance.

    I stood here before a gaping maw of death of hunger – should I submit to such a fate just on the basis of all kinds of heresy coming from the wrong mystical teaching? Furthermore, I had a will to go forward and to establish the Doctrine, and thereby I might deserve a meagre slice of bread.

    But listen "mystic-old man", in whom there is no God but just a personified interest in easy life and in money that you need for the life that is not quite exemplary, listen to me what an engineer said about myself and how I replied to it.

    "That boss of yours," he said, "must live in clover if he earns so much money for nothing." It concerned me. I went and told him: "I work and hard at that, while you come to the office just to calculate horoscopes for no reason at all, and then you go home. For that activity you earn so much money that you have no more worries, and you can go in for your hobbies even during the compulsory working hours." --- No, no, I am no mystical lamb that first in sadness longs for gratifying things and when these do not come, it turns into a basilisk to gain them by subterfuge…

    Thus the life went on and a tiny light began to shine before my eyes. I would have perhaps lived in calmness, but the injustice, which I did not feel in my heart, was filling the space around me all the same. That made arise a new situation.

    I would visit the capital (Prague) quite often at that time, and by coincidence I went, not alone, to visit a meeting of the "pupil-leader" and get a chance to explain what had happened before…

    The meeting was opened and the hot-tempered Mr. H. took the floor to make a speech.

    It flashed: It’s those from Pardubice.

    Tempest in the hall.

    The "pupil-leader" may have sit softly. But behind the haughty slogans about how to give black magicians short shrift, he wore a panic within himself. Mr. H., however, was chucked out by a mystic "police squad" and was yelling something back into the room. I was filled with such a violent disgust at the moment that I had to leave immediately without saying a word. The afore-mentioned Mrs. J. ran out to catch me and along with her went some unknown men.

    What just happened was a proof that it is all mystically ugly and wrong about Minarik. Behind the door, the "pupil-leader" said allegedly something about an evil astrological day as evidence of an intervention of black magicians. And outside, a dialogue with Mrs. J. was opening. She pointed her finger at one of the men who left the meeting to follow us and said: "He could talk." I was seeing through more intensely and swiftly than a lightning, and then I turned back making a gesture of refusal… Yes, but like too a great lord. But there was also JUC. K. there (JUC. is a degree of a lawyer who has not yet passed a doctorate - CZ) who later received the teaching from me.

    Mrs. J. was watching me carefully and could not find about me any change that would have indicated a turn from a former rosenkreutzer (Rosicrucianer) into a black magician. Finally we all parted under supervision of a policeman whom someone quickly called in to intervene, although he had no reason to take action against us.

    My friends asked me after the departure: "What about Mrs. J.?"

    "She’s going to quarrel with the leader now," I replied in a mysterious way.

    As she had been unbiased towards me, I visited her the next day in her flat. She found out that I was constantly same, no worse than as I had been a "rosenkreutzer" as their "leader" had said. That escalated her criticism against and doubts about their "leader".

    During my visit, some woman-teacher came round and, as it was my duty to introduce myself, I presented myself under the more known title than my name was: "I am the black magician from Pardubice."

    Mrs. J. reproached me for it: "You see, that’s what you hurt yourself with. Why do you say that?"

    "They know me here so," I replied.

    Then nothing happened until on one Friday. I was concentrating and during the concentration, I automatically transferred myself innerly into the space above the room where those mystics held their regular meetings. And as I was already at the place of their gathering, I was looking into the room. At the same time, there was an imaginary sun above and behind me, and it cast the light into that room. And even I was in that sun. – A few moments later, the situation changed and everything got back into the normal reality.

    I was reflecting: "Sun and those mystics? Something is going to happen there." And as early as on the following Monday I got a message: There was a quarrel; Mrs. J. was fired from the club. She swallowed a lot of pills, for she had a nervous breakdown…

    Some time later, I was in Prague again and so I called at Mrs. J. I never feel biased against anybody and I always like to talk with people of same interests. Besides, I had always esteemed that woman highly for her ardour and earnestness. The question was however, whether I could possibly contribute to her progress on the mystic path. I had remained for her just the little boy from the former time, and she was willing to talk to me only as to a searching man who had the same problems of the attainment as she and all the others had, including her guru - in fact - ex-guru. That was how she saw me.

    During the following visits, I decided therefore to choose a way of imposing help. I made her angry with intention to cause in her mind a problem that would have eventually uplifted her on the path. I made it even so that I visited her saying that I was coming to have a quarrel with her – for a lunch. The intricate situation I created, aroused mixed feelings in her. She suspected that I "knew something", bit she did not believe, for she assumed there was "one case like another". She also wanted to offer me something from her mysticism to help me but I defied obstinately. As I later received a letter from her, saying she had found the greatest master of mysticism who was esteemed even by her "ex-leader" who also longed for the writings of that master, something occurred to me and therefore I wrote her back that it was probably some "rotter from the era after the Battle of the White Mountain".

    Her husband answered on her behalf that it was no "rotter from the era after the Battle of the White Mountain", but it was Master Eckhart.

    O.K., I reflected, maybe he’s no rotter, but he comes at least from the era after the Battle of the White Mountain…

    Mrs. J. thought that I was maddening. She advised me:

    "You know, you are so badly off because you carry out your mystic practise wrongly. Me for example – I exercised and begged as I also had got into a financial straits and look – I found a bundle of 100-crown notes in the linen cupboard…"

    I showed no astonishment and only shot back:

    "Well, if you’d done the exercise correctly, you would have found nothing there."

    Then I met someone who was told to have attained nirvana. "It is allegedly impossible to agitate him, he has a good ambience around himself, truth-seeking people seek his company," and other details about him were told me by someone.

    I was very curious about all that, and so I went to see that man. None of his adherents saw me as a serious ascetic, and one elderly lady pronounced:

    "As we came here to join Frana (Frank), we thought, too, we knew something. But then we recognized how stupid we are."

    "That’s what you are," I said to assure her I believed it.

    But she did not like it. Why, strange enough, because she recommended it to me as a magic formula against pride. And I spared a thought for my being free from either pride or humility, the two ends of the same moral rope.

    Those people, however, endured the unquiet and agitating atmosphere that I carried with myself as the best thing that can be beneficial to people. And because they withstood it, I attended occasionally that company, too. However, I knocked out the unexcitability of that adept with a cursed, invisible arrow that I hid in my speech. Otherwise was everything alright.

    Some time later, Mrs. J. told me that the man whom she showed me as the "gentleman who could speak" had great achievements. Moreover, he also attended the group around the "man in nirvana"; Mrs. went there, too. The great achievements of "the man who could speak" were proved to her by "getting her lotuses to heat under his influence".

    I held some correspondence with the one who was told to have achieved nirvana, and so, on that occasion, I remarked in a letter that the gentleman should not bring Mr. J’s lotuses to heat, or else, when he comes to heaven one day, then I, and should I not be at home, then the Lord God, would slap him out of heaven for that.

    Meanwhile, I also paid a visit at the "man in nirvana"! He was interested in what I had to do with "master-pupil". Since it was during the serving of tea, I replied that man lives not only by word alone but also by tea. Therewith and with further talking, I seemed to be too vivacious to their taste, and so they told me, "it is good if one controls oneself".

    The "man in nirvana" just began reading something from the Tibetan mysticism and it flashed upon me: Why, that is where I belong. The long time of my uncertainty about where I pertain mystically was over.

    I could not, however, say anything about it to those people lest they should consider me to be a "truth-searcher".

    I was trying to ask the "man in nirvana" about some things from the Tibetan mysticism, but those who had recommended me self-control a while ago were interrupting me and diverting his attention from me, thus creating a situation altogether unfavourable for me.

    It occurred to me: Well, I will give them a chance to show their self-control. So, as the "man in nirvana" was about to answer a question to one of the company members, I diverted his attention to me with words:

    "Don’t talk with these, they are all stupid."

    That was too thick even for those who were well familiarized with the self-control formula. Unfortunately for them, they were just in a disadvantageous situation and so they could not respond to my offence; they would have proved their lack of self-control. Then I could further, unimpeded, ask about what interested me. Meanwhile were my ears touched by the sounds of their agitated minds and for that reason I decided to contribute, after our conversation with the "man in nirvana" had been over, to calming them down with a remark: "You see! If you had told me I was stupid, I would have asked you why. It is not necessary to be angry in situations like that."

    They had to admit my triumph and then – there was dinner to which they invited me, too. They served ham, thin hot peppers and plum brandy. I was always hungry and some ham came in handy to me. I would have probably eaten greedily, but some kind of sense that they were also poor people moderated the needs of my body.

    The "man in nirvana" himself was encouraging me.

    So I took ham but refused hot peppers and slivovitz.

    The "man in nirvana" saw it as my mystical formalism and spurred me on to have some of those:

    "Hot peppers and slivovitz are food, too…"

    I shot back:

    "And if man doesn’t’t have them?"

    So he left me alone then.

    Later, I sent the "man in nirvana" a letter that enraged him despite his imperturbability. Therefore he threw out one person who used to come to me in Pardubice and who was on visit at his house just at the time the "man in nirvana" got the letter and was reading it.

    Yes, my reader. Mysticism is not only the mutual respect. That is what the two or three men from the group around the "man in nirvana" realized as they showed me a certain picture as a lesson that should hold good also for me: A child crawling on all fours. Thereafter a boy, then a "man in the prime of life", then the beginning of old age and finally a grandfather crawling again on all fours.

    I did not want to be instructed that I should be that "man in the prime of life", and so I resisted innocently:

    "Even better monkeys has been presented in the world and man has remained animal, anyway."

    Thus the epoch of my quest for people who had also achieved cognition was over. Everything seemed to me harsh, drastic in the vulgar sense, but – I was in life, not in a school of etiquette. Besides, there was more I took away from all that than what I gave. I knew people as they are de facto, not only in some celestial vision. I could see their right as well as erroneous efforts, their unsolvable clinging to "I", which, in my case, had been driven out of me not only by my mystical discipline, but also by the life itself since my 8 years of age as my father died.

    Should I perhaps justify my treating the mystics so that it was endeavour to help, to offer Brahman whom I lived, wholly and with no strings attached, to any man about whom I would see the karmic readiness and maturity? It is exactly the maturity that recognizes the rough diamond, i.e. a better heart beneath the surface of a tough guy – and the rough surface of mine should forever stand for a trial for those who would come to ask me for advice in mysticism. But all sentimentality apart! People see with eyes and hear with ears, and so they can figure out the one of all who may will go over to the end through a mountain of opposites beyond which I has barricaded myself with a sensitive heart, you hear well, with a sensitive heart, to avoid giving something to an unsuitable man at an unsuitable place and in an inconvenient time. And God has never advised me in that matter. He thought up that I should be independent…

    Concluding the trials, which encompassed investigations of the mystics I met during that period, meant also closing the mouth of appalling poverty without my falling through its jaws into its bowels that are a symbol of annihilation occurring neither on the "Threshold of Death" nor in the trap of the Demon of the Threshold, but in the quiet, through creeping horror distinguished, hopelessness that I experienced as the last spiritual enemy on the way to nirvana. I knew already: Man can fall also in the way that poverty gets pessimism out of him; in such case, every man, anyhow he know how to resist attacks and escape traps, will be destroyed by the state of his consciousness. And because I knew it, I calculated my future like a mathematician [calculates] his problem if he has given the necessary terms of the equation.

    As for the experiences with mystics like "pupil-leader" or "man in nirvana", those were really not very positive. And if I, even after the realisation, regarded as imperative living in restraint through which I prevented arising any further mystical knowledge, nothing of that sort was noticeable with the other mystics. Thus, seeing from this point of view they appeared as people who had the unexplored field of life lying before them; what is connected with it are moral defects, passion, instinct (drive), individuality and other obstacles of mystical nature.

    I was, however, at the stage of search for those who experienced, through renunciation, the initiation in form of a realisation and, with further renunciation of the fruits of the initiation (realisation), entered the path of the final depersonalising, which is the path that may be illuminated only by a great longing for termination of suffering by means of attaining the absolute consciousness. I am sorry to say, however, that I did not find such people. I met only those who mistook theoretical knowledge for mystical attainment and that was the cause that my belief, that there are people who knew the teaching in a proper sense of word, was literally crushed.

    So I met adepts of the teaching who bore resemblance to meadow flowers through their individual interpretation of the doctrine. I had to accept the fact that I found myself in the fallow land of spiritual life, which should be reclaimed. That was the reason why I tried to cultivate within myself the ability to convey the teaching. That made me enter the side way of the intellectual development; the intellectual maturity should help me complete the mosaic of the teaching that depicts on the one hand the spiritual experience, on the other the wisdom.

    So that was what I aimed at in the following years, when I was relatively sure of my teaching but, at the same time, it was also vital to insist on the demand that my teaching be corroborated in the life of another man or further people.